
I’m sure everybody comes to a point several times in their lives and say - what am I really doing here? Why am I here? What’s my purpose? *cue Avenue Q song*
I feel as though for me I’m in a transitional period. I have just started my Masters in Media Arts and Production at UTS (hopefully majoring in Film), I’m two thirds of my way into the 40 day Revolution at Body Mind and Life, and trying to maintain two jobs and random teaching gigs here and there. Lots of things are happening, however not everything is quite settled as yet. Whilst I’m reflecting on “excavation” questions posed in Baptiste’s book 40 Days to Personal Revolution that accompanied the program I started with BML, the one thing I’m struggling to deal with is what I really, truly want.
I still don’t know.
You see - I have a theory about my generation (and it’s been written about in numerous opinion articles I’m sure, however can’t be bothered to find any right now). My generation has a lot of access: access to information, access to rights, access to education, access to the rest of the world, access to opportunity and change. The power of the internet has revealed one can find out whether they’re the type to attract the bad boys or their body is more of an endomorph as opposed to a mesomorph. The internet also lets you find out which university across the globe has that supervisor you need to oversee your honours/phd studies, or whether you can get a job teaching English or even volunteer in a third world country. There is so much one can do, and if you have the cashola and the freedom, with one click of a button you can be hopping onto a plane and escaping into another continent within one month or even less!
But with information, freedom and a foray of choice and opportunities comes certain fickleness. As soon as one is settled, one can get easily bored and go “I’ve always wanted to try this, I’m going to drop everything I’m doing and pursue it”. Apparently job loyalty is not something we go for these days, like some of the previous generations would do - staying in a company for more than four or five years for my generation is unheard of, and we are constantly wanting better opportunities, or needing to upskill to get more pay, which may include finding better employees as opposed to staying in the one company and finding your way up from there. We could also just finish our Science degree, decide after that it’s not quite our thing, and do our Masters in Commerce because we can.
For me, however, because I have so much choice, I feel as though whatever I’m doing I’m just procrastinating from making the ultimate decision - what should I do? What am I really passionate about? What do I want to spend the rest of my life doing? Then again, people will argue that what I do as a career now does not mean it has to be for the rest of my life. I think if I was born sixty, seventy years ago, I would have just accepted my life as a piano teacher. Now though, as much as I enjoy teaching and I think I’m fairly good at it, I don’t want to do it forever. I knew from the very beginning, and it was just a way to get me through my bachelors, but here I am still teaching (but now doing my masters) and things feel a little stagnant for something that is meant to be “transitionary” (I think I made up a word).
I do know that I am torn. Torn as to which path to take. The safe, “sensible” and grounded path, or the risk-taking, travelling, “adventurous” path. Those who know me well know how wishy washy I am with my aspirations - one day I want to do this, the next day I want to do that. At the moment however I’m strongly resonating between these two options:
Sensible Ness
I’ve always wanted to own a yarn store/cafe. Even though I’ve never worked in a cafe (and I actually want to but feel a little intimidated because I’m a little older and usually people in the hospitality industry at my age have had such experience), I love food, and would love to serve great small nibblies in line with an extensive range of yarn. I also want to make a space where people can just be creative and inspired, and maybe meet up with fellow creatives to just socialise, or to get the juices flowing for projects and ideas.
This will be my little business, and the trend to make and create things by hand in such an industrialised world is getting bigger and popular by the day. The risk I’ll be taking would be whether I can create such a venue that I currently envisage that is accepted by enough people to generate a business to keep me alive. It’s still quite an undertaking, starting a new small business, however it’s a challenge I’m willing to meet.
Because the trend is happening now (and has been growing for about the last 5 or so years), to leave it any later than the next two to three years could possibly be too late. Of course no one can predict what the trend will be in four to five years time, whether people will still be knitting at large, or have an interest in creative spaces and such, but then again it’s another risk to take, and you can only live and learn from mistakes.
Adventurous Ness
After my Masters, I would like to do a Grad Dip or Grad Cert in TESOL (Teachers of English to Speakers of Other Languages) so that I can use that to teach overseas as a means of an income. After finishing that, I would sell most of my possessions (leaving some precious sentimental valuables like my piano) and move overseas - where I have not decided yet. I want to live in Vietnam for several months at least - get in touch with my parent’s heritage and the culture that I could have grown up in if my parents didn’t move to Australia. I want to explore the whole world, and revisit my favourites (Broadway and South America), and take at least 18-24 months travelling around, volunteering and teaching and just meeting people in different cultures.
Once I’m tired of all the travel, I shall settle in LA, California, and try my luck at Hollywood - hopefully with the skills from the Masters degree and the life experience from all the travelling, I shall be able to write me a decent script or ten, and just work really really hard at getting my foot in the door and see how I go. I will give it a massive massive try for at least two years before I shall consider giving up.
As you can see, even though the adventurous one sounds really exciting, it’s also extremely daunting. What if I wasn’t getting good grades in my Masters and I’m actually not that good? My contingency plan would be to get the TESOL and travel anyway, but come back and settle once again and maybe be a piano teacher for the rest of my life. What if I’m pretty good with my Masters, but I never break it into Hollywood? At least I can say I’ve tried. How about trying the yarn store idea if all else fails? It’s possible, but will I still be passionate about that idea or not?
Another factor that distinguishes one from the other is that Sensible Ness is pretty grounded - as soon as I start the business, I’ll be rooted at home, I won’t be travelling as much. It still appeals to me because I like owning things, as I want my own craft room one day, I like to know that everything is steady and organised and slightly predictable. If I get to own a house then I can have a dog or a cat. The idea of escaping into the unknown definitely tickles my fancy however, and constantly exploring and learning about cultures foreign to me makes me think why I want to “settle” in the first place.
And to be realistic - I don’t know whether I have the knack for film. I’ve always wanted to create a film, and this will be my opportunity with my Masters, but I’m obviously getting cold feet and self-conscious that I may not be good enough.
I can ask you what your thoughts are (if you stuck by to read to the very end - I applaud you!), however I believe it’s up to me to discover which path is the right path for me. It took me almost ten years to figure out TWO paths in which I want to go on, now let’s see whether I actually DO anything remotely similar to what I have planned.
Then again - life hardly ever goes according to plan now, does it?


























